Now I remember all that you are. I can’t believe that I’ve let myself get this far away from you, that I let myself think that I better call you and then never actually do so. We made plans to hang out one week, and I didn’t hear from you.
I think I had a feeling during all this time that something wasn’t quite going right. But I didn’t let it reach my conscious thoughts. I felt like the opportunity to see you was always going to be one that I would have forever.
You beautiful girl… all the times we spent together replay on an endless reel in my head. You used to stand up for me and love me in ways I was never familiar with. You told me I was beautiful, right when we very first met, and Mallory, you were always so encouraging.
I remember you paid me one of the most meaningful compliments about my writing, and how you thought I would go so far because you had never quite met anyone who so had the passion I had for writing. You made me feel so good that day, and I was too shocked to say anything back. Your praise meant the world to me.
“Allie, I really do love you like a sister” you wrote to me, the time right after I apologized to you for not being the friend you deserve. You had been mad at me, and Mallory, I understood why. I understand that your life was fragile, and that I consumed myself in my own greedy day-to-day life thinking we could just touch base any time—thinking I could not show enough moral aptitude to simply call you and ask you how you were doing and you would still accept me.
I’m so sorry, Mallory, that I couldn’t be the friend that I wanted to be for you. You positively scared me because you were so strong and beautiful, and you were not going to let cancer take you. I don’t know if I can handle a person who radiates the way you did… maybe that is why I couldn’t just call.
Dear Mallory Mathews: I am going to do everything in my power throughout my life to ensure that leukemia does not deprive the world of anything like you again. This is the second time Leukemia has taken someone I care about, but this time it’s far too personal. You were that ‘something more’ to me, Mallory. You weren’t just a roommate, or a friend. You were a sister to me in the truest of ways.
I hope I enough have one day to donate thousands of dollars to Leukemia research to make sure that that bastard does not hurt anyone like Mallory again.
I love you, girl. I am so glad that you could get away from the suffering for a while, and I hope you realize now how truly beautiful, special, talented, and intelligent you are. I hope the place you are now is more understanding than this world is. I hope you are in a place now that doesn’t have a boyfriend taking advantage of you, or a classmate making fun of you, or a parent making you feel worthless—I hope (I know) you’re in a place now that sees you and loves you for who you really are: the most inspirational person I have ever met.
<3 <3 <3
